emoting honestly

I haven't written a new blog in a long time, but I guess that's because I haven't had that much to say. Well, I've had plenty to say, but it's all gone in my private journal that I write in every night. I just don't want to seem down or depressed.

I don't quite understand that social stigma with Americans... we all think that we can't be seen as unhappy, and we don't want people to know that we are sad, or that something is upsetting us. Of course, this is just a generalization, but wouldn't you agree? I talked to a foreign friend a long time ago, and she told me that at home, when someone asks how you're feeling, you tell them! Wouldn't that kind of honesty make things so much better? If everyone was honest with how they were feeling, more comfort and service could be given.

I'm merely talking about being honest when asked the question, "How are you doing today?" The typical answer, "Fine, how are you?" But most of the time things aren't fine, are they?

I think we're motivated by fear to always be happy. I also think that fear comes from two things: One, we don't want others to think negatively about us. We don't want them to think less of us for feeling down, or be judged for feeling depressed or sad. And two, we don't want to feel like a burden. We don't want to feel like we made the other person feel responsible for us, or feel like we put the other person on the spot. Along those same lines, we don't want to feel like a beggar. We don't want to feel like we are specifically asking for a person to feel sympathetic.

But this goes both ways. We need to be caring and respectful on the receiving end. It's true that there are people who just feel sorry for themselves all the time, but that is neither your problem nor your concern. What you need to be doing is listen. Obviously, if someone does confide in you, they trust you. They are trusting you not to judge them and to give comfort.

So, there it is. Those are just my opinions, but I hope that you personally can learn and think from those words. We can all work on being more empathetic and honest with each other. Not sharing your feelings can just lead you to bottle them up inside and eventually feel like no one cares about you. When someone asks, "How are you doing today?" Just be honest. Don't say, "Fine," unless you really mean it. And if someone comes to you, don't judge. Just be a listening ear and give the time to pay attention.

And now I seem like a hypocrite because of what I wrote at the beginning of this post about not wanting to seem down or depressed. I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I will answer the question. How am I doing today? I'm not doing well, thanks for asking. I'm going through a very scary and heartbreaking issue right now, and it takes a lot of my energy and mind often. It's depressing to be considered infertile (not getting pregnant after a year or more of trying). I am worrying that tests and/or treatments are going to get very expensive soon, and that will just add to the load.

If I'm completely honest, and I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad or guilty, but I feel a bit forgotten. I have confided in quite a few people, but no one really asks me about it or asks what they can do to help. So I'm going to be bold and abnormal and tell you that I need that. I just need to know that no one has forgotten me and just be asked how I'm doing at that moment. It doesn't get easier over time. It's one of those things that with each passing month, it just gets harder and more disappointing. I understand that it's a topic that most people are uncomfortable discussing. They don't want to say something "wrong" to me or think that bringing it up will just make me feel worse. I understand that, so that's why I want to tell you what I need. If you are really worried about saying "wrong" things, read this article. Ask me how I'm doing. Let me know that you're thinking of me. It's something that I really need, so I will ask for it.

I am also still mourning. John and I did get pregnant once over a year ago, but we lost our baby in a miscarriage. That anniversary date is coming up in just over a week, so it's been even worse. I never imagined when I miscarried that we would approach the anniversary date still childless. That September 7/8th was the worst night and day of my life, and the anniversary will be very difficult.

And I can hardly stand to be around pregnant women. So I apologize if I'm not super excited to hear about a new pregnancy, or don't want to hold your baby, or don't want to hear any details. Please be understanding. It's not that I'm not happy for you and your family. I'm jealous of you.

I feel like a beggar, but I won't apologize. This is a very new thing for me. I don't ever ask for empathy, or sympathy, or for people to serve me. But I'm at a point where I need it. And no one will know that I need it unless I speak up (and I'm very uncomfortable doing so).

hawaii

In the very wee hours of the morning of August 2nd, after canceled flights and standby, we finally landed in Oahu. After dreaming about going to Hawaii for years, I was finally here!

John's whole family and I stayed in a cute little rental house in Ka'a'awa, which is about 15 minutes away from BYU-H campus in La'ie. We had a beach just down the street from us, which I thought was amazing! Because we were so close, we had a great view of the ocean from the balcony.

It took almost the whole vacation to get used to the four-hour time difference, but that didn't keep us from doing everything we could.

Day one, Tuesday.

That first morning we packed up the car and headed for Costco. With a kitchen in our rental house, it was much easier to buy a bunch of groceries and cook meals ourselves. I was amazed and jealous by the food selection that Costco has- many delicious Hawaiian style treats and Asian foods.

After shopping we went back to the house and got ready to go to the beach. We went one just down the street with our snorkeling gear and boogie boards. Unfortunately, the water on that first day was pretty rough and had a strong current, so I didn't last long trying to swim. Instead, I gave into the child inside and played in the sand building sand castles. John joined me for a while and we built a pretty awesome fortress together, with the TARDIS next to it and a Dalek waiting to attack.

Day two, Wednesday.

That morning we got up early and drove over to Pearl Harbor. We spent hours there and I loved every minute. We started our day by taking an audio-tour of the USS Bowfin, a submarine that has seen many years of service and is now retired to the harbor. It was neat learning about life on a sub and seeing how cramped it was. I don't know how so many men could have lived together on that thing.

After, we went to two of the exhibits there, "Road to War," and "Attack!" Both were very educational and emotional. I learned a lot about what led up to the attack, how it happened, and the aftermath. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I didn't really know anything about the Pearl Harbor attack, but I am honored to have learned about it in the place where it all happened.

After the exhibits we were ready to go see the USS Arizona memorial. We started by watching a video telling the audience to be reverent and respectful on the memorial, and it ended by summarizing the events of the attack. I was very glad that everyone took the rules seriously and respected the reverence and peace there. The memorial is build directly on top of the ship, which is still on the bottom of the harbor. We took a ferry to get there. In the back, there is a shrine with all of the names of those who died on the Arizona, many of whom are still on the ship, buried with her in the water. And just about 25 years ago, the survivors of the Arizona were able to be interred in the ship with their shipmates. There is a list of those who chose to be laid to rest there. That really struck me hard, thinking about how those men lived knowing that most of their shipmates didn't. I am so glad that they can finally be with them again.

We ended our trip there on a happier note. We took a tram over to the USS Missouri, which has been semi-retired and is open for tours. In case you don't know the history of the ship (I didn't...), that is where World War II officially ended with the surrender of Japan to the allied forces. We went on a short guided tour where we learned that the whole ship is kept in prime condition for battle- with just a few changes, she can leave at a moments notice to go back into battle. We learned the history (she was there at Iwo Jima. I thought that particularly interesting, wondering if my grandpa had seen her there) and saw the spot where Japan's surrender was signed. We then toured the ship on our own, walking through and seeing how big it was. It's amazing that thing can float!

After leaving Pearl Harbor we drove over to the Dole Pineapple Plantation to get some ice cream. We were in a bit of a hurry, so we didn't walk through the gardens at all, but we got delicious waffle cones and saw a few pineapple plants, and were out of there. It was fine with me- I just wanted to see a pineapple plant. I had no idea how pineapples grow, or that it takes up to two years for a plant to make its first fruit!

We rushed home and got changed into our Sunday clothes and headed to the La'ie temple for a session. Beth did baptisms while the rest of us did a session. It was great to be all together, especially with Jake, in the temple. Inside was gorgeous, too! There was carved wood in all of the rooms, and most of the paintings and murals were Hawaiian scenes. It's definitely been updated since, but it's hard to believe that was one of the first temples ever built- it was constructed in the 1920s.

Day three, Thursday.

That morning we went to a beach close by to do some snorkeling. This time it was much more successful! I saw lots of fish and a sea turtle! I had never been snorkeling before and actually seen anything, so I was very excited! My mask kept filling up with water because I would smile so much and my cheeks would push the mask away from my face. We weren't there for very long because we went back to the house to shower and go to the Polynesian Cultural Center.

This was definitely my favorite part of the trip. It's described by John as "Polynesian Disneyland" and he's pretty close. The whole center is outdoors with lots of gorgeous plants and waterfalls and a river running through the middle. It's divided into six kingdoms: Hawaii, Samoa, Aotearoa (New Zealand), Fiji, Tahiti, and Tonga. Each has traditional dwellings, presentations (mostly dancing), activities, and traditional foods you can try. We weren't able to do everything, but we did a lot.

We had a tour guide, Tonu from Samoa. He took us around to all the kingdoms where we saw presentations in Samoa, Aotearoa, Tahiti, and Fiji. We learned to Hula dance in Hawaii and tried poi, a paste that's made from some sort of plant... and it tasted nasty and had the consistency of glue. We made fish from palm fronds and did a canoe tour down the river. I can't wait to go back someday and do all of the other activities that we missed.

After the tour, we went to a luau. We got fresh flower leis and had our own table. They presented the pig, which was cooked in pit on hot coals and covered in banana leaves. There was dancing while we got up to serve ourselves at the buffet and ate. There was a time during dinner when the emcee asked if anyone was celebrating a honeymoon or anniversary. John and I just had our anniversary recently, so we raised our hands. Then he had all those couples come to the stage and we had a dance. I loved dancing with John, even though I was embarrassed dancing in front of a few hundred people.

The food was delicious. We had kalua pig, poke (raw, seasoned tuna, which I did not eat) long rice noodles and chicken, a cooked white fish, salad bar, and lots of desserts. It reminded me of BYU catered events at home, which isn't a surprise since the PCC is run by BYU-Hawaii.

After dinner we went to the evening show. It was incredible! It had a circle of life story (many times reminding us of the Lion King) that moved settings to each of the different kingdoms, showing all of the cultures. I'm so glad we learned about each of them earlier in the day so that I could tell which kingdom that had moved to. There wasn't an announcement of which land they were in; we just had to figure it out ourselves. It was a beautiful story with great dancing and live music, and I even teared up a few times. It made me think twice that maybe I should have gone to BYU-Hawaii when I was offered a chance. But then I wouldn't have met my husband and wouldn't be where I am today (very white and in the desert).

Day four, Friday.

So much swimming! We went to Three Tables that morning, a place with amazing snorkeling. It had so many fish and coral reefs! I loved it. We didn't see any turtles, but I had seen one earlier and was just happy to be in the water surrounded by fish! Unfortunately this is the day where we all got really sunburned... the spray on sunscreen didn't work very well. I LOVED going swimming, drying off in the sun, and playing in the sand. We were there for quite a while until we got hungry, so we headed off to find somewhere for lunch.

After our pizza lunch we got snowcones at Matsumoto's. Marla had told me that we had to go, and I was glad we did! I'm not a fan of snowcones, but these were amazing. It was a normal, every day snowcone except there was vanilla ice cream at the bottom! After working through the top I got down to the bottom, and the ice and syrup combined with the ice cream was Heaven! I never would have put that combination together.

After, we went to another beach (I honestly can't remember the names of all of these beaches), and I spent most of my time at that one just sitting around. I was pretty tired after swimming earlier. John and Beth had gone out snorkeling, so I swam with Starla for a bit. I was fun lazing around in the water! Close to dinnertime we went back to the house to eat and watch a movie. We watched movies a few times, but I fell asleep during all of them.

Day five, Saturday.

That morning we woke up and drove out to climb Diamond Head. It's a small mountain that you can climb, and from the top have an amazing view of half of the island. The climb... I did not enjoy all of it. I was really into the hike at the beginning. It was a nice climb, and I was going at a good pace. Then we got to the stairs. There are like a billion stairs that we had to climb to get to the very top. By the time I started going down my legs were so wobbly! I also think I was probably dehydrated, so I got dizzy. But the view at the top was beautiful. We could see for miles out on the ocean and had a great view of Waikiki.

After we hiked back down we went to the international market. It was great! There were tons of little kiosk stands and shops selling everything you could want. I ended up buying a hand-carved wooden tiki (the love tiki. John and I are going to keep him on one of our bookshelves) and a silver turtle pendant. Originally it was $50 or $60, but I ended up getting it for $25. I'm definitely a terrible bargainer, but was lucky to get $25 anyway. I think I need to work on my skills. I also got some hand-carved bone necklaces. Mine is in a spiral shape, the traditional Hawaiian symbol of eternity.

After that we took a walk down to Waikiki just to see it. It's probably the biggest thing associated with Hawaii. We went and I wasn't impressed. It was a tiny, skinny beach and it was completely full of people. I thought that the other beaches we had been to were way better. I guess it's popular because all of the hotels are right by that beach. Anyway, I got to see it, and I don't have a desire to go back and see it again.

We went to Punchbowl Crater to see the National Cemetery there. It's where a lot of the soldiers from World War II are buried. We spent most of our time at the monuments for the soldiers who died in WWII, Korea, or Vietnam, but their bodies were never recovered. I was very emotional here, especially when I saw a collage about Iwo Jima. My grandpa fought with the Marines Third Divison on Iwo Jima and earned a Purple Heart. He passed away just about a year and a half ago (has it really been that long??) and I miss him terribly. He was very proud of his Marine background and proud that he served our country on Iwo Jima. I sat on a bench next to the collage and just studied it for a long time. I'm grateful that my family let me stay as long as I wanted there.

On our way to the cemetery I talked with my mom and found out that I have a relative who died during the attack of Pearl Harbor and received the Medal of Honor. His name was Mervyn Bennion, Captain of the West Virginia. He was hit with shrapnel from a missile that dropped on his command deck. His crew members tried to rush him to the hospital deck, but he refused to leave his post. He slowly bled to death as he used his last moments to do whatever he could to keep his crew moving (click on his name above to read about him.) I had hoped that I would see something about him there at the cemetery, but there wasn't anything. We had already visited Pearl Harbor, so I was too late to find something about him there. I later looked him up online and found that he was sent back to his family and buried in Salt Lake City. I think I'd like to go find his grave someday and visit it.

After that we went to the beach for the evening. I was at this point completely exhausted and still light headed from all the walking we had done, so I just put on my suit and sat in the shade and watched people. There was an adorable family there with the cutest little kids. It made me smile to see them so happy playing in the water with their daddy.

Day six, Sunday.

We went to church that morning. I loved that ward! It was a fast Sunday, so lots of people bore their testimonies (including Jake. I loved that!). We had a great Sunday School lesson where I learned a lot about Cornelius in the New Testament. At the beginning of Relief Society, we were greeted as visitors and given a shell lei! Even though I'm sure they get a lot of visitors, I felt so welcome and had a great time at church.

After the meetings we went to the temple to walk around the grounds and go to the visitor's center. We saw the new Joseph Smith movie (it's the old one, just edited differently and with a different narrator) and saw a short video about the history of the La'ie temple. I loved seeing what the island was like back when it was built. My great-grandparents were missionaries in La'ie and worked at the temple in the early '50s. It was fun to see what they must have seen when they were serving. The grounds were beautiful, and it was fun to walk around the temple.

That night, we went to Sunset Beach to watch the sunset. That beach is very appropriately named. The sunset there was gorgeous! We were there for a while just walking around the beach, climbing on the neat lava rocks and taking lots of pictures. I think this was one of my other favorite activities we did.

Day seven, Monday.

That morning we went back to Three Tables to do some more snorkeling, since it had been the most successful place. We were there for a good few hours (it was pretty murky, but we still saw a lot of fish) and then went home to clean up and pack up. Once we had all showered and packed, we went to lunch at a place down the street. It was a fun place and they even had a live parrot there.

After that, we went to a few more shops out by the airport, dropped off our rental car, and check in for our flight.

But little did we know that we were in for a long, long night.

We were supposed to leave at 9 PM to head for San Francisco and get our connecting flight onto Boise. Well, the plane was delayed because of technical problems, and 9 turned into 10, then 11, then 11:30 when they finally boarded all 350+ passengers. At this point we were hoping we would make our connecting flight to Boise. We taxied out to the gate and sat for about 20 minutes. John had headphones on and was listening to the pilot chatter that was going on (I didn't know you could do that!) and heard that they had fixed the problem with the plane, but the tower control told them that everything had to be okay with someone in Chicago before we could go. So we waited, and Chicago told the pilot that they had to run one more check. So we went back to the gate, unloaded the plane, and they did their little check thing.

So at 2 A.M. the crew announced that the plane was not going to fly that night. So we were put up in a hotel for the night with a voucher for breakfast the next day.

Day eight, Tuesday. Or, the extra day.

We stayed at the hotel that night (where our room got double-booked and someone walked in our room at 3 A.M. with their room key. Scared me to death.) The next morning, I was so tired from the whole vacation, not to mention a little sick, I stayed in the room almost all day. We had breakfast downstairs then I went up to bed until around noon when I went to sit by the pool with the family. We went to the mall food court for lunch, and after I went back to the room. It wasn't a very eventful day. Thanks to some fast phone calls from John's dad we were switched onto an American Airlines flight that night, so we flew out of Hawaii on-time (first plane on-time this trip) at 9 P.M., arrived at LAX Wednesday morning at 5 A.M., then finally got to Boise at 10 A.M. Unfortunately, John and I had to drive back to Provo that afternoon, so we were pretty sleep deprived by the time we got home.

Overall, my trip was amazing. I had such a great time! It wasn't relaxing like I had imagined, but it was better. I was exhausted every night from the things we had done, and I learned so much. I learned about the history of Pearl Harbor, the USS Missouri, the La'ie temple, and even my own relative. I loved learning and participating in Polynesian culture and exploring Oahu. It's such a beautiful place and I hope to go back someday.