I don't quite understand that social stigma with Americans... we all think that we can't be seen as unhappy, and we don't want people to know that we are sad, or that something is upsetting us. Of course, this is just a generalization, but wouldn't you agree? I talked to a foreign friend a long time ago, and she told me that at home, when someone asks how you're feeling, you tell them! Wouldn't that kind of honesty make things so much better? If everyone was honest with how they were feeling, more comfort and service could be given.
I'm merely talking about being honest when asked the question, "How are you doing today?" The typical answer, "Fine, how are you?" But most of the time things aren't fine, are they?
I think we're motivated by fear to always be happy. I also think that fear comes from two things: One, we don't want others to think negatively about us. We don't want them to think less of us for feeling down, or be judged for feeling depressed or sad. And two, we don't want to feel like a burden. We don't want to feel like we made the other person feel responsible for us, or feel like we put the other person on the spot. Along those same lines, we don't want to feel like a beggar. We don't want to feel like we are specifically asking for a person to feel sympathetic.
But this goes both ways. We need to be caring and respectful on the receiving end. It's true that there are people who just feel sorry for themselves all the time, but that is neither your problem nor your concern. What you need to be doing is listen. Obviously, if someone does confide in you, they trust you. They are trusting you not to judge them and to give comfort.
So, there it is. Those are just my opinions, but I hope that you personally can learn and think from those words. We can all work on being more empathetic and honest with each other. Not sharing your feelings can just lead you to bottle them up inside and eventually feel like no one cares about you. When someone asks, "How are you doing today?" Just be honest. Don't say, "Fine," unless you really mean it. And if someone comes to you, don't judge. Just be a listening ear and give the time to pay attention.
And now I seem like a hypocrite because of what I wrote at the beginning of this post about not wanting to seem down or depressed. I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I will answer the question. How am I doing today? I'm not doing well, thanks for asking. I'm going through a very scary and heartbreaking issue right now, and it takes a lot of my energy and mind often. It's depressing to be considered infertile (not getting pregnant after a year or more of trying). I am worrying that tests and/or treatments are going to get very expensive soon, and that will just add to the load.
If I'm completely honest, and I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad or guilty, but I feel a bit forgotten. I have confided in quite a few people, but no one really asks me about it or asks what they can do to help. So I'm going to be bold and abnormal and tell you that I need that. I just need to know that no one has forgotten me and just be asked how I'm doing at that moment. It doesn't get easier over time. It's one of those things that with each passing month, it just gets harder and more disappointing. I understand that it's a topic that most people are uncomfortable discussing. They don't want to say something "wrong" to me or think that bringing it up will just make me feel worse. I understand that, so that's why I want to tell you what I need. If you are really worried about saying "wrong" things, read this article. Ask me how I'm doing. Let me know that you're thinking of me. It's something that I really need, so I will ask for it.
I am also still mourning. John and I did get pregnant once over a year ago, but we lost our baby in a miscarriage. That anniversary date is coming up in just over a week, so it's been even worse. I never imagined when I miscarried that we would approach the anniversary date still childless. That September 7/8th was the worst night and day of my life, and the anniversary will be very difficult.
And I can hardly stand to be around pregnant women. So I apologize if I'm not super excited to hear about a new pregnancy, or don't want to hold your baby, or don't want to hear any details. Please be understanding. It's not that I'm not happy for you and your family. I'm jealous of you.
I feel like a beggar, but I won't apologize. This is a very new thing for me. I don't ever ask for empathy, or sympathy, or for people to serve me. But I'm at a point where I need it. And no one will know that I need it unless I speak up (and I'm very uncomfortable doing so).
8 comments:
Its funny to me that when you and John got married and Sean and I got married I thought you would get pregnant first and have a perfect baby and we would be childless and jealous of you. I was convinced that getting pregnant would be so difficult and that like my mom who tried for six years to get a baby and my sister who tried for 2 I would have to wait a long time. It certainly wasn't easy and miscarrying a baby was the hardest thing I have ever done! Although Sean and I had our own struggles I can't say that I know how YOU feel. I was considered infertile from the beginning and was given medication right away, we didn't have to wait the full year. We got pregnant the first time after only one month of medication and the second time after three months. I knew I was pregnant again by the time our lost baby's due date arrived and I had excellent insurance that covered all kinds of treatments and tests.
I am certainly not telling you this to brag, but to tell you that I know some of the heartbreak of waiting but nothing compared to what you and John are going through! I think about you every day and wonder how you are doing and I feel like such a loser friend for never asking. I suppose I just worry that by asking I will be rubbing in that I have what you want. It is a hard topic to bring up and I have worried that perhaps you don't really want to talk about it, I am so sorry.
I want to know how you are doing and what you are going through. Also, if it is hard to talk to me right now, I completely understand. Thank you for being so honest about what you need! I will be better about asking and Sean and I will be praying for you! I don't know if this helps but everything you have to go through to get that baby is completely and totally worth the wait! However that doesn't mean you have to be happy while waiting. We love you!
Love you Allie! I haven't experienced this particular heartbreak but I did have a period in my life where I was severely depressed. I think it's good for you to be open and honest with your feelings--much healthier than bottling it all up inside. There is no shame in feeling sad or depressed. You're allowed to grieve. However don't forget that the Lord knows you individually, loves you, and won't give you trials that are greater than you can bear. One of the primary purposes of the atonement is to take on ALL of our pains and sufferings. It is hard to see that in the throes of depression, especially when dang-blasted woman hormones are involved, but never forget that. You ALWAYS have a listening ear. You ALWAYS have someone who knows exactly what you are going through. You ALWAYS have access to the peace and comfort that the spirit provides. It is yours for the asking.
I'll agree that I'm motivated to be happy out of fear, but it's in a different way than you might think. I don't really care what other people perceive--I want to be happy because I've been in that dark place before and I don't ever want to go there again. I remember VERY vividly praying that I could just be happy. Not that anything good would happen, necessarily, but that I could just feel happiness again.
Depression can be a very hard hole to crawl out of, especially if negative thoughts and feelings continue to pervade your writings. Especially if it's gotten more difficult, rather than easier, as time passes. Look for your blessings and you will find them. Write them down each day. Don't be afraid to ask for help or comfort! Talk about your feelings openly and honestly and see a counselor if you need to. There is no shame in that.
We don't always know or understand (or agree with) the Lord's will, but He is in charge of this mortal journey we call life. He is also the source of peace and comfort that we so desperately need when life throws us a curveball.
Little Honey,
I could just say "Ditto" to Sydney's comment. It was perfect and true. NEVER think that you are alone, that nobody cares, or that nobody understands how you feel. You have family and friends who DO care for you. You have a Heavenly Father who understands and loves you. All you have to do is ask. I think of you many, many times a day and pray for you. You are a strong girl and have quite a challenge on your hands right now. I know it will all turn out well. HANG IN THERE!
Love you!
Dear Allie,
We've been talking a little bit about this lately and have talked about the whole topic before so I am not surprised to see this post. I have a couple comments.
One, I agree with you whole heartedly. I hate what we as whole and especially in the blogging/facebook world do to ourselves by only writing the good and ignoring the bad. Sometimes we answer fine because we don't want to talk. Which is okay and understandable. But so often it's not because of that and I wish we could overcome it. Thank you for your excellently written post.
Two, I've got your back. You are not alone or forgotten. Like I said in my letter you are often in my prayers. I guess I hope that somewhere someone is praying for me too. I think you are exactly right. Same emotions, different circumstances. Please share with me the things you learn along the way and I promise to do the same.
Three, You've already beaten hard things in your life. Remember? I was there cheering for you but you, YOU alone, won that battle. So here we are again. I will be right here cheering for you. And in whatever way shape and form the Lord has planned for you you will win this battle too.
I love you Allison. You are extraordinary and I'm so glad we met all those years ago. :] See you this weekend.
Love, Rachel
I wish I had something to say. I've sat by and watched some amazing people go through this while I can just have babies as planned. I wish wish wish you didn't have to go through this! I makes me cry that wonderful people like you can't have babies vs people in high school or in bad situations that do and aren't worthy of that blessing. I think of you often and I HOPE you will get your wish sometime soon. I am always available to listen..I'm pretty good at it. Like it was said above Heavenly Father is there for you and he's smiling knowing this is but a small, short trial and he has SO many great blessings for you! Whether in this life or the next. I am SO sorry for you and I hope you you get to feeling better soon!
-Annie
Thank you for writing this post. I am truly thankful that you would let us all know what you need. As I was reading this I was thinking to myself how often I have tried to avoid this topic with you since I got pregnant at the exact time you miscarried. I have avoided it mainly because I was unsure of how you felt about talking about it. I have also worried about making the situation worse or saying the wrong thing as you said. I absolutely loved what Sydney wrote and agree 100%. Depression is so hard to conquer but is never truly conquered because there is always something in life that threatens our happiness.
I am truly sorry for loss and pain you feel. I love to talk to you so I am always free (if you can stand to talk on the phone or skype for more than a few minutes- I know you hate to talk on the phone.)
I love you both! You are amazing and strong- so much stronger than you possibly know!
Beautifully written, Allie, and beautifully written responses to you! God bless you, sweet girl, as you have to suffer through and wait for the blessing of children. I have experienced similar issues, as we waited so long for our first baby, and as we suffered through a miscarriage as well. I often screamed inside, shaking my fist at the ridiculousness and at the unfairness of my unmarried sisters both getting pregnant at the same time, while we were in a temple marriage and yet, were unable to conceive for years. Heavenly Father loves you, dear Allie. We love you. God bless you through this trial of your faith. I hope one day you can look back at this and see the golden thread in the tapestry of your life...that you will see how God was walking with you and waiting for just the right time to bless you abundantly with this righteous desire of your heart. Love, love, love to you!
Allie,
Thank you for opening up and being honest. I am so so sorry about what you're going through. I imagine that it's especially hard to bear in a culture that is filled with so many pregnancies and praises of motherhood.
I think another reason why we are afraid to admit that we are depressed is because we think the other person may dismiss it and feel that we are just doing something wrong--we're just being pessimistic or aren't taking time to count our blessings or (here at BYU) not trusting the Lord enough or praying enough or reading scriptures enough. I've run into this problem: Instead of acknowledging my pain, people just tell me how to fix the problem or my perspective.
Certain life events take time to get through, especially when you have to grieve. You can't rush mourning, and it's frustrating when people think that you should be getting through it faster than you are.
I'm glad that you're OK admitting that you're in pain and are mourning.
Again, I'm so sad on behalf of what you're going through.
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