I hadn't made my pregnancy public yet because I feared something like this would happen. We were going to announce it to everyone once I hit the second trimester. I was seven weeks along with my little Bean, and was due April 26.
Yesterday afternoon I had some bad cramps and didn't think too much about it. I had read that cramps were normal in early pregnancy because the uterus is stretching. But when I went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding, I started panicking. After the cramps started getting worse, I asked John to take me to the emergency room where I had an ultrasound and blood work done. Sure enough, our worst fears were confirmed when the doctor came in and said that I was having a miscarriage.
Apparently the fetus had stopped growing about a week or two earlier and my body was finally shedding it. It made me feel better knowing that I didn't do anything to accidentally abort the baby. The body just wasn't perfect, so nature got rid of it so I can give my baby a perfect body later.
It was just shocking to be fine and then be at the hospital six hours later and find out that I was having a miscarriage. I have many mixed feelings. I'm so glad that I have Jennie who can help me out now. I'm not glad that she experienced something similar, but I'm so glad to have an empathetic friend to comfort me and help me out. And so many of my friends have been so supportive and helpful. I'm so grateful for all of the love that John and I have seen in the last 24 hours. And my mom is flying up tomorrow to stay with us for the weekend and help out. That will be so nice because I don't have the motivation to do anything right now. I fluctuate between feeling devastated and being okay, but my heart still aches and I don't know when that will stop.
I just wanted to write this because writing my feelings down and sharing them always makes me feel better. I didn't do this for sympathy or to make people feel bad for me.
To my little Bean,
I want you to know that your father I and love you so much, and we can't wait for you to join our family. I'm sorry that this body didn't work out for you, but we'll do all we can to make sure you come to us soon. We already have fallen in love with you and I feel like I've bonded with you quite a bit. I know you're up there waiting to come down and I bet you're impatient, and just as disappointed as we are! But the time will come when you can be a Jeppson with us and come to this world. Again, we love you so much and I hope to meet you soon.
Love,
Mommy
9 comments:
i love you! you are so strong. don't worry, you'll have a little bean that will be an ugly baby one day. but i'll still tell you she's beautiful.
Allie this is so sweet! Feel better soon!!
So sorry to hear that Allison.
I'm glad we got to chat. Again, I'm so sorry to hear you have to go through this. We're thinking of you.
Oh Allie. I have actually been thinking about this idea for the past few days, and so I am so sorry you are hurting. On the other hand, your someday baby will be so so blessed to have you as a mommy! Your note was so sweet. Hope you feel better soon.
You are such a sweet girl and will be a sweet mommy one day. My heart is aching with you.
This entry made me cry! Having a miscarriage is such a loss. We loved little Bean, too, already! One day you will feel your baby moving inside you, then cuddle her close to you and snuggle and kiss him. That day will come and your heart will be healed. We love you both!
Been there just recently myself. It totally sucks. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself.
I'm sorry Allie!! Just know it's common for that to happen in the first 12 weeks, still sad, but like you said, it was nothing that you did! Love you
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