free

I was just glancing through and reading some of my older blog posts. It's so funny how I remember tiny details of events even though they happened almost three years ago.

I was also wondering what my past self would think of me now. I'm such a different person, and I'm surprised it all happened in such a short amount of time. Moving away from home, becoming more responsible, being challenged more in school, and a brand new social life change a person. In both good and bad ways.

Freshman year: The naïve, perky, ignorant, irresponsible, social girl. But, that describes most Freshman, right? I thought I knew everything. I thought that I was so grown up, and could handle everything. The world was in my palm, and I was so happy. I had the best roommates, the funnest friends, the friendliest ward, and the perfect boyfriend. Life was good! Of course, it was perfect because I didn't have hardly any responsibilities. My biggest worries were if my apartment was clean for our cleaning checks and if I made the bus on time, and if I finished my paper for American Heritage. I managed to get by with 4-5 hours of sleep every night. I wish I could do that now!

Sophomore year: Everything changed. And yes, I mean everything. It was all gone. The boy, my best friend, left on a mission, my other best friends and neighbors lived blocks away and I didn't have a car. Everyone was always busy. Classes were getting harder. I had no idea who my roommates were, my ward was older and less friendly and enthusiastic. I realized now that this is the first time that the world was telling me to grow up, but I didn't recognize it, and I didn't now how to handle it. So, I handled it negatively. Things were going my way, and I felt completely out of control. So I gave in to restrictive eating.

Unfortunately that's the only memory I really have of the fall semester of my sophomore year. It was the same every day- force myself to get out of bed, weigh myself, go to class, come home weigh myself, beat myself up if I ate more than the day's goal of calories, weigh myself, and go back to bed. I did badly in school that semester and was stuck in a deep depression. The first real challenge of my life and I failed.

I finally decided that I needed out. It took months of the cycle- the struggle to get out and then the heartbreaking days when I would fall to anorexia again. The work with my bishop, friends, family, and school counselor was tiring. Finally, I saw light ahead. I can't describe it, but one day I woke up with a good feeling in my heart, and thought, It's possible. That was the best moment of my semester. I slowly worked out of it, and started being happy. I needed to go through that trial to strengthen myself in all ways- spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I was more of an adult than I ever had been. I'm grateful for this challenge. Nothing could've improved me more than this trial. I've also realized that I'm also more prepared to help others now and in the future.

Then, when I had never felt better- I met the most important person of my life. My dear husband. I know that he was my reward. He was my gift from my Heavenly Father for working against the temptations of Satan, and for being righteous. I know he came at a certain time and that it was the right time. And, with his help and support, I finally worked through recovery completely, and became healthy.

Junior year: I have my own, small family, living in an apartment with just me and my husband (and our two lizards), going to school, and working. It's hard. It's stressful. But I've never been happier! Life is completely different. Compared to freshman year, it's crazy how much my priorities have changed. I'm in a family ward, the lady of the house, taking care of and spoiling my husband, and never having enough time to do everything I need to do. And it is wonderful!

I can't believe the changes that have taken place in my life the last three years. And I can't wait to see what changes are to come!