I have been watching a stupid Australian show on Netflix lately about a bunch of teenagers attending a dance school. I have no idea why I like it, so don't ask. The acting is all terrible. But they have explored the topic of bullies a few times, and it made me think about my bullies I had growing up.
Girl bullies are totally different than boy bullies. Boys duke it out and are mostly physical. Girls are much different. They are sneaky and get you through emotions and feelings. I have three bullies who I remember pretty well, and I remember the specific times that I got them to stop harassing me. I was smart- I watched, I studied, and I waited.
B-
The situation: She tormented me the longest of the three bullies. I met her when I was in fourth grade. She continually made fun of my clothes, my braids, my rolling backpack (I had Scoliosis! I needed it), and my rabbit teeth. And should I mention that I was further behind in maturing physically than the rest of my classmates? She made sure I knew that fact. Every day.
The history: I watched her for years in order to learn more about her. She came from a poor family and didn't live in the nicest part of town. She always tried her best to look "high class." Well, as high class as you can look when you are copying Britney Spears.
The sting: When I was in eighth grade, my mom had just bought me a brand new coat. It was black suede with some sort of sheepskin lining on the collar and cuffs. The first day I wore it to school, I felt like a million bucks. B saw me from across the hall, and she and her posse came up to me. She said, "That is a cool coat. Where did you get it?" I was instantly wary of her, since she had never paid me a compliment in my life. I knew she was waiting to learn about some part of my coat that she could tease me about. I replied, "I got it at Costco this weekend." She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, looked back at me and said "You shop at Costco??" like it was no better than a thrift store. I knew this was my moment, so I said to her, "Yeah, you don't? I guess your family is too poor to shop there." And then I walked away, and she never teased me again.
M-
The situation: She made fun of my hair. A lot. I had very thick, very long hair, and it was very difficult to tame. So, it was often down and poofy and all over the place, or it was in braids to keep it out of my face. I guess she thought braids were stupid.
The history: This girl had a huge nose. And I mean, HUGE nose. Enough said.
The sting: One day in class, she was teasing me, saying that I had frizzy, ratty hair. Again. I was so done with her rudeness that I said to her, "At least I don't need a nose job." Then I turned around, and she never teased me again.
C-
The situation: I wasn't the most physical 13-year-old girl, and absolutely hated P.E. I don't like having balls thrown at my face, and I don't like running. So that counts out every single sport ever. She was in my P.E. class, and made fun of my performance in class every day.
The history: She was very athletic, very tall, and had a large build. She wasn't fat, she was just had a large frame. I have never known a tall girl who was not self conscious about her height while growing up. Although, they can laugh at us shorties now, because they can all be models and stuff and we can't.
The sting: When we were playing volleyball, and she yelled at me one too many times about how much I sucked and couldn't get the ball over the net, I said back to her, "I can't get the ball over the net, but at least I'm not a huge giant stomping around." She didn't tease me in P.E. after that.
The bully that got away, B2, is one that hurt me the most. I was in ninth grade, and went to a meeting to learn about cheerleading tryouts. I thought cheerleading was really neat, and it was a sport that didn't involve any balls. Yay! So I got all the information, went and had my physical at the doctor, and went to the next meeting to turn in my paperwork. B2 stopped me while I was leaving the meeting and said, "Why are you trying out?" in a way I knew meant, "You do NOT belong here, loser." I said, "Cheerleading looks like a lot of fun, and I want to be a flyer." She said, "You? A flyer? Please, you'll never be a flyer because you are way too fat." Seriously, I was 5'3" and weighed like 100 lbs. Thinking back, I should have said, "If I'm too fat, then you definitely shouldn't even waste your time trying out." But instead, I let her scare me away, and I didn't end up trying out at all. Although, she made it on the team, and I would have had to put up with her if I had made it, too, so I'm not that sad when I think back on it. But I was a 14 year old girl, so of course a comment like that would hurt a lot.
Did dealing with my bullies that way work? Yes, it definitely did. Was it the best way to handle them? I don't know. I tried everything- talking to teachers who told me to just brush off their comments, to talking to school counselors who told me that teenagers just act this way, and find friends who will make me feel good. I tried telling the bullies outright that they were being mean and hurting my feelings, and that just made it infinitely worse, because now I was sensitive and weak, too. So, how is one supposed to deal with bullies? Does it really take becoming a bully yourself to stop the harassment? Was I wrong to act this way? I put up with years of bullying from these girls, and just one taste of their own medicine stopped them forever. But when I think about it, I must have hurt them in a very sensitive spot if it actually made them leave me alone. Do I regret what I did? A little bit, yeah. I realize now that they made fun of me because they were jealous- I always had nice-looking, new clothes, I have a cute nose, and I have a petite frame. At the time, that thought never crossed my mind. In my frame of mind, getting them back was my last option, and I was desperate. So I can't say I regret what I did completely. No one should put up with daily emotional abuse at school.
I'm glad that schools, overall, are being more serious about bullying now. My experiences were 13-18 years ago, and it just wasn't taken seriously back then. I hope things are much different now when it comes to handling bullies.
One of the bullies, C, actually found me on Facebook a few years ago. She added me, and we exchanged a few words, and she commented on how beautiful I was in my wedding pictures. So, I feel at peace with her. I'm not even sure if she remembers our P.E. days together.
Now, adults bullying kids, they are a totally different story. That's when I sent in the Mama Bear to take care of it for me. Seriously, old teachers just need to retire and stop bullying their students.
I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
2 comments:
Very interesting post. I have had my fair share of bullying (rather, bullied) experiences in my life, and though I don't really care to outline them in this fashion, your doing so made for a good read. It's true that the bullied often end up retaliating by doing a little bullying of their own, sadly (luckily for me, I was able to reconcile with the couple of less fortunates I was mean to, and we were friends in high school), but my bullying of bullies was seldom as successful as yours. Like you said, boys bully differently.
These days bullying is a really hot topic, especially as regards certain elitist demographics, but I'm afraid that this is a part of society that just isn't going anywhere, so the best way to go about combating it is to teach children (and adults!) their true value, and their innate and unchanging worth, and who they really are, and then, while the barbs may fly, and still will hurt, they will have a strong foundation and support system. Otherwise they might turn to less positive and appropriate venues.
Anyway, that was longer than I expected. Just my 2¢.
I was bullied a bunch when I was in middle/high school. It shaped me into the person I am today, I feel bullying between kids is just a part of life - one that makes a lot of people stronger. The problem is figuring out where the line is where it has gone to far. When I was in middle school I had a teacher who would join in with the bullying, so I learned quickly not to trust adults with my problems (which is probably something that shouldn't be learned when someone is 13 years old), at one point she hit a student and she eventually got fired, something I helped happen. Bullying made me stronger in the long run, but it was pretty disheartening when it was happening so I'm not sure what to decide.
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