it is your birthday.

Yes, it was.

I had a lovely birthday this year. Since it was on a Sunday this year, John and I celebrated the Friday before, because I had that night off work. We ate at Goodwood, then did some shopping at TJ Max where I got two new shirts.

We went to Trafalga to try to play some mini golf, but both the line to start playing and the line to pay were really long. I didn't want to feel rushed or be too crowded, so we left and went to the new Provo Beach Resort. (It's just a fancy name for a family fun center with a wave pool where you can surf.) They have a mini croquet course, so we played on that. And we were the only people there, too, so it was a good choice. Although, way different than real croquet. There were a ton of weird rules, so in the end, John and I just played our own game and did whatever we wanted. I think John won, but in the end, what does it matter? Especially since we were both totally cheating.

After, we went and saw The Hunger Games again. We saw it opening night, but I wanted to see it again. It was still good the second time.

On Saturday, before work, Amanda, Victoria, and I went to Tucanos for dinner. I love just sitting there, having them bring that big assortment of meat right to my plate. The pineapple is still my favorite. Half way through, John and Jake joined us and we had a grand old time. After, we briefly stopped in the toy store at the mall, then went up to Target where I bought a copy of Captain America as part of my present. We watched it, then I had to go to work.

Today, I accidentally slept through church and got a day off. Then I made a chocolate cake, and played The Game of Life. It was a pretty relaxed day.

So, I guess you could say that I had a birthweekend rather than just a birthday. It was so much fun, and I wish this could happen more often! Now to countdown to John's birthday in October!

John asked what I wanted for my birthday, since he said he's not good at picking out gifts, so I told him to just write me a letter. I'd much rather have that from him than some trinket bought at the store. He has yet to pay up on that... until then, the birthweekend will continue!

I was hoping to get some really good news for my birthday, but alas, I am still in the dark. I am now one day late on my period, but still showing negative tests. Maybe the Clomid didn't work after all, and I never really had a cycle to begin with. I'll just have to wait and see. Goody, more waiting. After this long, I'm good at that.

question seven

What is your dream job, and why?


My dream job is to stay home with kids and be a writer. I'm working on my writing skills right now in school and plan to practice a lot. I don't have a goal about being published- I think that would take the passion and fun out of writing. I just want to write when I feel inspired and to share with family and friends. And, if one day I decide to submit it to a publisher, we'll see what happens. 


One day, I think I might want to be an English teacher. Sometimes I think of what lessons I would do, how I would explain a certain principle, or what books I would like my students to read. I don't plan on doing this in the near future, but maybe when I have kids and they are a little older, I'll pursue that. I don't think I'd be able to get much respect from high schoolers at my age now, anyway.


I also have a secret, long-time desire to work at Disneyland. Maybe not so much a trash sweeper, or a gift shop worker, but a ride operator or a Princess. Don't tell me how much it would actually suck. Let me have my dreams. 

question five

 What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?


1. John- He is such a good companion and cares about me a lot. He makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. I'm very proud of his hard work in school these last few years and look forward to moving on in a new direction with him very soon.


2. Jake and Hilary- They are just too cute for words, and I love hanging out with them. Hilary is so smart and has a fun sense of humor, and I really enjoy spending time with her. And John (and I, too!) missed his brother a lot while he was on his mission, and I know how much it means to him to get to see Jake all the time.


3. Warmer weather- I hate the cold. I hate, hate, hate it. I was born in Southern California, and I should return there. I'm too thin for the cold and can't hold in my own body heat. So the warm weather has been absolutely wonderful. I've actually gone out and exercised more in the last few weeks than I did all winter long.


4. Clomid- It's renewed my hope for my future. And I'm praying that I don't get too hopeful! But I don't feel completely helpless about my situation anymore. 


5. My job- As hard as it is to leave my house at 10 at night and stay awake all night long being the Bathroom Gatekeeper, I'm grateful to have a job and see my paycheck every other Friday deposited into my bank account. It's nice to be able to, you know, eat. And have electricity in my apartment. And have an apartment. It's not the most ideal job, or one that I dreamt about having when I was a little girl (except for maybe the watch movies while at work part...), but I won't have to do this forever.  

"i see you already ate your dinner..."

Yesterday, on the last reading day, I took a walk to campus to go visit John who was in the library working on a paper and studying. When I got there, John told me he was in the Cougareat taking a break and getting a snack to eat. When we were done eating, I was cruising through the bridal guide they give out on campus (I still love looking at dresses), and John was reading the news. Then, all of a sudden, we hear this voice behind us. "I see you already ate dinner." Pause. "I'm giving out free dinner in the Skyroom." Another long pause.

I said, "Oh... yeah? Well, it was just a snack mostly."

The lady continued, "Well, if you want to, I'm beta testing a party. Go up to the Skyroom and tell them Lori sent you." Then she walked away. I immediately started thinking, What kind of trick is this? Is this an experiment from the psychology department? Should I trust this stranger to just give me food? Is this a trick from some scammy company to pressure me to buy something?

John and I looked at each other, then packed up our stuff and went up to the Skyroom. A few minutes later, we were sitting at a nice table, being served sweet corn soup and sparkling pear juice, roast beef, potatoes, and grilled vegetables. We were seated at the same table as Lori and her husband, who were the hosts of the party. Apparently people canceled at the last minute and they didn't want the food to go to waste, so she just went down and invited a few students to join the dinner party.

So, it took me a while to actually figure out what the party was for. Since all of the real guests knew why they were there, they didn't really need to explicitly tell us. I, on the other hand, had to figure out what was going on. So the host of the party got cancer a few years ago and had an enlightening moment. He wanted to change his life and make a difference in the world. He doesn't like how much people are enraptured in technology nowadays, and wishes people got out more, were social, and engaged in real life situations. He also wants to get people involved in doing more service. So he started a paid subscription web and print magazine to get funds by many various ways, including advertisers, companies to sponsor prizes and parties, apps on Facebook, and some online cooking class. Then, he plans parties and events where he feeds people and gives away prizes and such. This summer, he even wants to get people to help build a church in Africa, and will pay their way and take them on a safari if they go.

Long story short, I left the party with a full belly an hour and a half later with my little gift basket thinking What just happened?  It was quite the unusual evening. But the web magazine is called Connect and Eatz if you want to see what it's about. It sounds like a very charitable and great thing that this guy is doing. Plus, they fed us, and the food wasn't poisoned. I'd say everybody won.

i write like

I analyzed the beginning of my new science-fiction short story. Guess I need to read some William Gibson! He is the father of cyberpunk, after all.

I write like
William Gibson

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

sleeping beauty

While at work tonight I watched the old Disney classic, Sleeping Beauty. It has been years and years since I had seen it last, and I enjoyed seeing it again. There are definitely a few things in the movie I hadn't noticed before! I definitely realize that this is an old movie, and love it for what it is. However, I think that Rose/Aurora is kind of a brat. Her attitude when she finds out that she is a princess is a riot. "Oh, no! I can't marry the creeper stranger I just met 10 minutes ago, and I have to go meet my real parents and be a PRINCESS??? My life is horrible! Boo hoo. Watch me as I make and effort to hang my head while wearing my new blue gown, and mope the whole way to my new home, a giant castle." Honestly.

Oh, and another thing- when the fairies were giving their gifts, (beauty, song, and deep sleep instead of death), I kept thinking that I would have given her the gift of maybe health? Or a sound mind? Nope, instead she got the ever-so-important gift of beauty. But I suppose maybe in those times, beauty would get a girl farther than smarts. I will also forever wonder what the third gift would have been if Maleficent hadn't shown up and ruined it. Poor Merryweather. I could imagine her sitting up all night trying to think of the perfect gift, and then not being able to give it, poor thing. She was probably the one planning to give intelligence. Maybe then Aurora would have remembered "Stranger Danger."

Well, luckily for her, it all works out in the end. Aurora gets to marry Creeper Phillip (seriously, those lines he uses on her in the forest are pre-tty sly), and keep on being a beautiful, singing princess. Because once she got to marry the mysterious "peasant boy" in the end, she was happy to be a princess. And don't get me wrong- my daughters will still watch this movie, and probably be Aurora at least once for Halloween, and I will watch it many more times in the future. These things just surprised me because I haven't seen it in a really long time. I suppose these things are what make it a classic, right? The Disney creators could never make something like this today.

question three

Describe your relationship with your parents.

I have a traditional family. My mom and dad have been married for 30-something years and are still together, for which I am grateful.

My mom and I are very close. I call her often and tell her just about everything. I feel like I can tell her a lot of things and keep her informed, but she respects that I am an adult with my own family and knows exactly where our boundaries are. I love that I can call and say, "You will not believe what I did today. I was so dumb! It was embarrassing," or "I have some bad news," and I won't get a huge lecture or get in "trouble" for something I did. She's just a good listener, waits for me to offer information and share things rather than pushing, and "oohs" and "awes" and says, "that really sucks," at the right moments. Of course, she still helps and offers advice that I take sometimes, but it's not the same treatment that I had when I was a teenager living at home and she doesn't expect me to do everything she says anymore. She's still my mother and will do anything for me and helps when I need it, but I feel like there is a lot more friendship than stewardship in our relationship now. She's had a lot of practice at this empty-nester-mother thing, since I am the last to leave the coop.

My dad worked a lot when I was living at home so I didn't see him much. I always loved and appreciated that he worked so hard to support the family. But he still always managed to attend all of my plays I did growing up. I love my dad and feel like we have this understanding that we know we will always love each other but we don't need to talk on the phone often. When we do talk on the phone, it's always a two or three minute conversation just telling the basics. I'm sure most information is passed through my mom anyway, so we are always aware of what's happening. But I don't think he's a phone person, and I'm not a phone person with anyone but my mom. So it works out.

return of the stray

I got a phone call this evening from a nice lady who said that she found my cat. So the loudmouth is back here. Suki hasn't seen him again yet, but I'm not anticipating the time when she discovers that he is back. When I told my mom, she jokingly suggested that I let him go again and see how far he gets this time, and keep marking it on a map to show the places he's been. Here was his adventure this time:

Also, I think John and I decided we will call him Momo after all. I still don't know what to do with him. John really wants to try to keep him and give it another shot. I want to find him a new home. Like I said, he is super loud and never stops meowing. I don't know how long I can put up with it.

question two

I skipped question one: 20 random facts about yourself. I did a post very similar to this a few years ago, and they all pretty much still apply today. So, onward.

Question two: Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

One: Being barren. I know, I haven't even skimmed the surface of available infertility treatment yet. But after over two years of being unsuccessful, I say that this is a legitimate fear for me. What if the treatment doesn't work at all? What if there is a problem with my eggs and I don't have any more? What if I can get pregnant with treatment, but my uterus is hostile and I can't carry to term and I miscarry every time? I know adoption is on the table, but I haven't had to think about that yet. I don't know if I would be happier choosing to be childless over adoption. It may sound terrible, but for me right now, adoption is kind of a last resort. I want to try everything I can first.

Two: Abandonment. Whenever I have a bad day and snap at John, if I do or say something stupid to him (we all have those days, right? No one is perfect), I get a big sense of panic that he will leave me. Anyone who knows our marriage knows that we are fine and that he wouldn't do that over a stupid, hormone-induced, rude remark, but I still get very worried and panicked that he'll go. He reassures me that he's not going to go anywhere, and everything is fine again. I know exactly when this started, and it's pretty embarrassing. It started when Tylor left on his mission. Life got really hard after he left for many reasons, and I probably associated all of it with him leaving. It was dumb for me to focus all of the blame on that, but at the time I had no idea I was doing it. Now, as irrational as I know it is, I guess I'm afraid that John will leave, too, and things in my life will fall apart again.

Three: I'll begin this one with a short story I wrote for my writing class.

"Choking. It always starts with choking as the heat rushes into my face. The fiery adrenaline pulsing through my body should jump start a reaction to run. Instead, my body betrays me by making me unable to move, blink, or even breathe. My fingers and toes curl to clawed positions and freeze, knuckles turning white, so tense that it will take only a minute until they start to ache. Nausea whips through my stomach, causing a bit of acid to leak into my throat, adding to the pain from other areas of my body. My vision becomes fuzzy, and after feeling the intensity of the heat in my head and lack of oxygen, I start to become dizzy. Tears begin stinging my unmoving eyes, either from the fear or from not blinking. If the enemy were to attack, I wouldn't have the ability to defend myself.

"My body, relentless and showing no signs of releasing me from my paralysis, forces me to helplessly stare at my attacker until I finally find some relief. A shred of mercy comes from my lungs, allowing a tiny bit of air to escape, promising to become a whimper. As the air reaches my throat, I focus all of my strength on relaxing just enough so the sound can escape. Once it leaves my lips, each vocalization after becomes easier and easier to make. A pitiful call from a helpless mess.

"After my hero comes to vanquish the villain, tears spill down my cheeks and my weak legs finally release and let me hobble away from the danger. The stiffness slowly melts and leaves my whole body shaky, and I curl into a ball in an effort to calm myself down. My head is left with a sharp pain in my temples and behind my eyes, and my hearing is muffled, as if it's shutting down. Now, it's hard to tell if the shuddering is from my weakened muscles or from the sobs escaping my lungs, like I'm learning to breathe for the first time.

"After many long minutes I have finally calmed down. I glance up at my hero, tear streaked, weak, exhausted, and in pain, to offer thanks. In reply, I hear, 'You really need to learn to kill your own spiders.'"

 Spiders. I am mostly over this now, but if a big, ugly one surprises me once in a while I am still known to have a panic attack. I cannot honestly say when it began. I really have no idea. I have a memory of my dad being bit by a black widow when he was climbing under our house once, and hearing that it was really, really bad and that he could die. I think it's a false memory, albeit a very vivid one, because I asked my mom once if this happened, and she said it didn't. Perhaps it was in a movie I saw when I was young or something. Anyway, it's really hard for me to let people read my writing. So, I don't expect any comments on it. I already know it's not my best (it's kind of wordy... and has a lot of commas), so it's just for entertainment purposes only.

about that new cat...

He escaped yesterday evening and hasn't come back. So... either I'll never see him again, he'll show up randomly when he gets hungry again, someone will call me because he was wearing a tag, or he will miraculously show up back at his old home at my work. We'll see what happens. Just after we decided to name him Watson, too.